Not

the spotlight loved me more than I did.

you walked in when we were all messing around, singing some stupid songs

you watched me, smiled while you listened—

almost close enough to feel like mine.

*

i sang like i could reach you,

like every note might brush your face, your arm

maybe if i gave enough of me you’d let me in.

*

i sang a lot tonight. you recorded some of them - im not quite sure why - and sent them back to me

*

later, in the quiet glow of my phone,

i watched back all the songs i sang and saw myself every angle, every flaw,

the way I moved, the way I looked, how i sounded

and i saw the pictures of you

so effortlessly insufferably fucking beautiful, just like always

*

how could you stand there, seeing me

so far from grace?

how could those same eyes bear to even acknowledge me?

*

it's not like i'll ever be enough of a boy to be the one you want anyway

my hair too long, jaw too soft

it settles in when i feel like this, quick and certain

*

it doesn't matter how mediocre i sing.

*

after i was done we watched a scary movie in our friend's dorm

you clung to me a few times, i lingered too much for all of them. but you didn't ever move away.

*

maybe im just trying to validate myself.

this more than likely means absolutely nothing.

but i got to touch you for just a little longer.

i pray i won't dream about you tonight