e.coli

it is 12:28 am and i am sitting naked on the toilet

i have a lab in the morning. the shower is running. i need to get in

*

the steam comes through the curtain reminding me of what must be done

*

when i first came to college my trans friend asked me if i would ever start fully masc presenting. i go to this gay environmental woke school in the middle of a city. our library gives out free binders. both kinds.

"our college will get you" he said

i didn't believe him at the time.

*

but now it is 12:41 am and i am sitting naked on the toilet and i am crying because the trans tape videos on tiktok don't work the way i want them to.

*

the shower is right there.

it’s not even far.

i could pull the curtain and step in and pretend that everything is normal

*

but i can’t

i know what happens next.

*

i have to look down.

down at this fucking body that follows me like a curse

without permission,

without warning.

*

and i don’t want to negotiate with it today.

i don’t want to pretend it feels like mine

when it doesn’t,

when it never really has.

*

i want a flat chest

that doesn’t interrupt my breathing

that doesn’t feel like something i have to hide

or hold or ignore.

*

my binder is too tight. the trans tape will not stick without folding over and fucking up.

*

i want a flat stomach that doesn't peek from my shirts, making me known before i even speak

*

i want small arms and small legs and small hands

*

maybe i just want to be a kid again

*

i want to exist

without bracing myself

for my own reflection.

*

and I know this sounds so damn dramatic

there are a million worse things happening in the world right now and all i can think about are my boobs and big ass stomach

*

but when will that liberal agenda force the gender reassignment on ME?

*

so now it is 12:51 am and i am sitting here naked on the toilet and im sitting here and sitting here and crying.

avoiding something as simple as a stupid shower

*

and I don’t have a clean ending for this.

(certainly not if i don't grab my soap soon. lol.

do you get it? nevermind.)

*

no lesson. no sudden strength

*

i am still disgustingly naked and the room is far too hot now it's making me sticky and i desperately need to get up and instead i am writing this fuckass poem. and i have a bio lab at 8am. fuck e.coli cultures. they know nothing of gender dysphoria.