anthems

we watched I Saw the TV Glow tonight

sitting with the hum, its grotesque frame light painting us in soft, unreal colors—

violet, blue, something almost like truth.

you don’t touch me - don't sit near me, even -

but i feel you look over every now and then

i wonder what you're thinking.

onscreen, someone is unraveling—

static and longing,

a life that flickers wrong

until it doesn’t.

(s)he ripped open chest cavity,

something bright instead of blood

i watch the glow reflect in your eyes and wonder what you see:

a story, a mirror.

i want to say your name

like it could anchor me here,

like it could make this moment real:

- outside the trembling light.

- outside my trembling hands

please just hold me.

but instead I sit across you

half-formed, half-brave—

and let the colors wash over us both,

our friend with the cool name cried during the credits like i did

we both know we won't ever be enough of what we wish we could

our feminine frames, features, voices

There Is Still Time. There Is Still Time.

afterwards we all talked about silly things:

our weird exes, gay awakenings.

you made us swear to never let yours leave the room, and i won't. not even in my writing. but it was silly nonetheless

i wonder if you see me for what i really am. realistically i know you don't, and i can't really expect you to. as ive said before, im playing dress up. i look like a girl in all the ways that count.

if i could be a Real Boy like you i think i would dress the same. do my makeup and hair the same.

but i would be a Real Boy so it wouldn't matter

and maybe i could be a little bit more beautiful and maybe i could be a little bit taller and maybe you would want me like Real Boys want other Real Boys

but i can't bury myself with dirt and wake up different like they did in the movie

there is no pink opaque for me

i am stuck burying myself differently.